One FTE – impressions of a corporate life

Author: admin

  • all I want for Christmas

    original publish date: 2nd January, 2010

    decades on …

    Can’t believe I publicly debunked Santa.

    All those 5-year old OneFTE fans. Their Christmases ruined, forever.

    transcript

    Santa: 95% of toys delivered before sunrise, 98% accuracy on naughty/nice lists again this year, and 8% more toys survived the first day. Anyone take any learnings from this year?

    Elf #1: Rudolph needs a succession plan.

    Elf #2: Maybe we should extend our outsourcing to parents beyond the existing procurement and logistics?

  • pay attention, class

    original publish date: 1st January, 2010

    decades on …

    I think tactless was an overly generous interpretation,

    How about, don’t be a dick? Better.

    transcript

    FTE #1: Wow! This analysis is very impressive. I’d like to learn how to do this myself. Is there a course you could suggest?

    FTE #2: Sure. It’s called high school.

    Closing caption: Tact. Use it more.

  • luddites lament

    original publish date: 31st December, 2009

    decades on …

    Sadly, I now find myself, on occasion, closer to the guy on the right (PowerPoint master slide templates, I’m looking at you), but hopefully the robots will take over before I have to debase myself and ask for help.

    transcript

    FTE #1: Could you do it for me? Computers and I don’t really get along. Guess I can’t be good at everything right? ha ha

    FTE #2: This won’t be funny 10 years from now when you’re starving to death trying to figure out how self-serve checkouts work.

    Closing caption: Learn. Ignorance is not endearing.

  • not in my job description

    original publish date: 30th December, 2009

    decades on …

    It was a simpler time, friends.

    Here I was, bagging some poor (hypothetical) guy who was trying to set some boundaries, with no consideration that the requester might actually be out of line.

    Not that the ‘not my job’ thing is, or has ever been, a good play, but nowadays, I think I’m probably more in the ‘happy to help, but would you prefer I worked with [ The Actually Responsible One ] to progress this?’ camp nowadays.

    transcript

    Requestee: I’m sorry, but that request falls well outside my job description.

    Requester: I’ll be sure to include it in your Replacement’s.

    Closing caption: Remember that it’s only your job description for as long as it’s your job.

  • four to a page

    original publish date: 29th December, 2009

    decades on …

    I remember the days when we used to print things, or have access to a printer, or know if there is a printer, or go to an office where a printer might live …

    transcript

    FTE #1: I printed the report like you asked, and I made it double-sided, four-to-a-page to save paper.

    FTE #2: Thanks. I’m sure my great-grandchildren will thank you.

    Closing caption: Saving the planet. One eye strain headache at a time.

  • for a good cause

    original publish date: 28th December, 2009

    decades on …

    Still a thing, but I think the largest change in this space is that it’s now almost entirely online (at least at the places I’ve recently worked).

    How much easier is it to ignore an email or LinkedIn DM? So much.

    Also, it was $3 a box?!? Inflation is a killer.

    transcript:

    Needy #1: Would you like to buy a raffle ticket? It’s for a good cause …

    Needy #2: Will you sponsor me for the Fun Run? It’s for a good cause …

    Needy #3: Chocolates. $3 a box. For a good cause …

    Needy #4: How many boxes do you want? Remember, it’s a good cause.

    FTE: **** off!

    Closing caption: A new pool for your kid’s school falls somewhere short of being a ‘good cause’.

  • parental pride

    original publish date: 27th December, 2009

    decades on …

    Young kids find corporate life a bit boring. Older kids find corporate life more than a bit abhorrent.

    Can’t take it personally. On occasion, it can be hard to disagree.

    transcript

    FTE: This is where I work, son. My job is to ensure this division meets challenging financial and operational targets.

    FTE Jnr: Do you get to play with the fire extinguishers?

    FTE: What? No.

    FTE Jnr: Sounds boring. Kenny’s dad gets to drive a bulldozer.

    Closing caption: Unless you’re an astronaut, your kids won’t care.

  • headphone heaven

    original publish date: 26th December, 2009

    decades on …

    Oh, what a special diva I was.

    I’m old enough now to know that answering those questions is pretty much part of his job.

    Still, I feel for the guy.

    transcript

    Offscreen #1: Hey, can I get your help with …

    Offscreen #2: I’m looking for a volunteer”

    Offscreen #3: Have you finished that report yet?

    Offscreen #4: Who can attend an all day workshop tomorrow?

    FTE: ~listening to music~

    Closing caption: Headphones. For when the world can go jump.

  • perception is reality

    original publish date: 25th December, 2009

    decades on …

    One of my bugbears. I’m surprised it took a whole week to surface in a comic.

    This much older me still believes that if people are perceiving something that differs from reality, then our first (and preferably last) option is to find a way to address the disconnect.

    “Perception is reality” is a starting point, not a fait accompli.

    transcript

    FTE #1: I understand the data says otherwise, but you know that ‘perception is reality’.

    #0707: My perception is that you’re too lazy to fix the actual problem.

    FTE #1: But that’s not true!

    #0707: It’s my reality.

    Closing caption: Perception is not Reality. People won’t stay delusional forever.

  • deity’s delegations

    original publish date: 24th December, 2009

    decades on …

    The (only) interesting thing about this comic is that, if you’re not Australian, you need to understand that the Australian corporate and government sectors largely shut down over the Christmas / New Year period (and some would argue, for half of December and most of January). This, I’ve since learned, is not universal.

    It might have something to do with it being summer in December here, and cold beer being readily available.

    So, for the purposes of this largely uninsightful comic, insert your local popular holiday as required.

    transcript

    Clerk: Last week I was an accounts clerk, now I’m VP of Marketing

    Janitor: I was emptying bins. Now I’m CFO.

    Closing caption: Christmas holiday delegations. They can make you a god.