original publish date: 16th February, 2010
How did I think that ‘oodles’ was the problem here?
How about the framing of the redundancies as being ‘incurred’ like they’re spectators in the process?
Pisses me off, oodles.
FTE #1: As part of the restructure, we will likely incur a number of redundancies.
FTE #2: How many exactly?
FTE #1: We don’t know the exact figure, but it’s likely to be oodles.
Caption: Inappropriate language doesn’t end at swearing.
original publish date: 15th February, 2010
Some of these comics, in hindsight, just feel … off.
The basis of this one was harmless enough. It was around the time that it was widely reported that people were including ‘Jedi’ as a religion on the census forms, and this was an obvious office-based extrapolation.
To be clear, I was, and still am, hoping they’ll all find a way to get along … quietly.
Office Prayer Room, all welcome.
FTE #1: Once you embrace the Republic, the power of all Jedi is ready to serve you.
FTE #2: When one relies on sight to perceive the world, it is like trying to stare at the galaxy through a crack in the door.
FTE #3: Will you two shut up!
Caption: This is not the religious tolerance you were looking for.
original publish date: 14th February, 2010
Ok, this was deliberately overstated, even at the time, and now it just feels like a poorly thought-through parody. That said, I am still a bit proud of “honey, we need to torque”.
Oh, and for those of more tender years, “pink it and shrink it” was an actual marketing strategy.
NEW Valentine’s Day product line.
“Honey, we need to torque”
Presenter: The chicks are going to go mad for this.”
Audience #1: Man, that is sweet.
Caption: Why gender diversity is important.
original publish date: 13th February, 2010
With the ability to receive real-time Teams messages from a meeting you’re not even at, even if you’re in another one, is it even possible to miss a meeting now?
Sure, you could be offline, but then you’d be .. offline.
FTE #1: I believe #4992 was taking care of that.
FTE #2: That is definitely #4992’s issue.
FTE #3: We’re waiting on input from #4992.
Caption: If you miss a meeting, your blame ghost won’t.
original publish date: 12th February, 2010
It’s been a while since privacy required cardio. Fun times.
You are here -> Printer is here.
Caption: Resume collection record: 3.54 seconds.
original publish date: 11th February, 2010
I’m not against active listening, just those people who pride themselves on being Active Listeners.
Performative mirroring is best left on the playground.
Child #1: What are you doing?
Child #2: What are you doing?
Child #1: Stop it!
Child #2: Stop it!
Child #1: Stop repeating what I say!
Child #2: Stop repearing what I say!
Caption: Active listeners were born annoying.
original publish date: 10th February, 2010
The flipside of this one is where the actual message is lost because (someone in) the audience interrupts to point out the typo, or (and, this happens), the non-corporate-standard font or colour palette or some other affront to the Agreed Template.
A pox on them and theirs.
Anyway, typos are the spine of life!
What they see: detailed slide with a minor typo
What you think they see: just the typo
Caption: Typos are not the end of the wrold [sic].
original publish date: 9th February, 2010
And the sport is … lawn bowls. But you knew that already, right?
Presenter: And every time you step on that mat, just remember to relax, keep your head down, and you’ll get the resting toucher you so deserve.
Audience #1: What is the old man talking about?
Audience #2: It’s not football, that’s for sure.
Caption: Sporting analogies only work when people know what sport you’re talking about.
original publish date: 8th February, 2010
I was amazed then, as I am now, by people who can take accurate, constructive meeting minutes.
I do still draw the table in meetings and add people’s names as they introduce themselves, so I can remember them throughout the meeting. #lifehack
The associated constructive feedback is now kept to a minimum.
(1) review last minutes (strikethrough)
(2) intro from #0404 (strikethrough) <- wouldn’t shutup
(3) discuss key issues
(4) assign actions
(5) close (strikethrough)
Caption: Apparently, minute-taking isn’t as easy as it looks.
original publish date: 7th February, 2010
Ahh, the first self-referential comic.
I did something similar every 50 comics with a congratulatory post-it note. Fun for me.
Oh, and obviously, this never happened.
p.s. fun aside, this was actually the 51st comic. I know!
#7733: Wow, that was stupid. Could you repeat it slowly? I don’t want to miss any of the detail.
#Hypothetical FTE: We are never talking again.
Caption: If you create a work-based comic, every interaction is productive.
original publish date: 6th February, 2010
To be clear, this wasn’t a shot at military life. It was a shot at managers who think pressure is a personality.
As an aside, I’m 100% sure I’ve been assigned the corporate equivalent of latrine duty more than once.
original publish date: 5th February, 2010
Some part of me is semi-disappointed this never evolved into an airport bestseller.
Presenter: Notice that your foot arch matches the curve on the back of an employee’s neck.
Audience #1: There’s no way that’s coincidental.
Caption: Intelligent Design School of Management
original publish date: 4th February, 2010
Everyone mocks document hygiene right up until a 20-person meeting stalls looking for the “one with the red squiggly thing.”
Shoot me. I just used the term “document hygiene”.
FTE #1: Could everyone now turn to the page that has the diagram with the red squiggly thing?
Caption: We number pages or people die. It’s that simple. Are we clear?
original publish date: 3rd February, 2010
Having spent the last decade or so working with, for and alongside managers of all shapes and sizes, I don’t envy them their task.
Consulting has its highs and lows, but I’d pick my lot over theirs any day of the week.
(note: I’ve also since learnt that Management is a singular term).
Manager #1: All I did was forward an email from my boss to the team saying we need to reduce costs by 15%, six months later it was done and I received my bonus.
Manager #2: I have my assistant forward those mails. I find it’s best not to handle those things directly.
Caption: How Management look[s] from the outside. We wish.
original publish date: 2nd February, 2010
It’s been a while since I’ve troubled a conference door. Can’t say I miss them much.
Firefighter’s Conference ’10
Presenter: The so-called ‘skill shortage’ is a myth. Our research shows over 40% of 5-year-old boys have fireman in their top 5 career choices.
Audience #1: he’s kidding, right?
Audience #2:
Caption: At some conferences, alcohol poisoning is much more likely than real insight.
original publish date: 1st February, 2010
Still, it’s not a bad opening.
FTE #1: To make this initiative a success, we need to set aside our differences and get on the same page.
Caption: Nobody ever says that without expecting the page to be theirs.
original publish date: 31st January, 2010
[ Intentionally left blank ]
A comic for a different time. Not offensive in any way, just dumb. Didn’t fit at the time. Hasn’t improved with time.
Removed.
original publish date: 30th January, 2010
The diary is a little more interesting these days.
Might even have a little Batman in it. 🙂
Presenter: Firstly, I want you to think about how much you’ve studied and how hard you’ve worked to get the skills and experience you have.
Next, take a good look at what next week’s diary has in store for you.
Finally, ask yourself, was it worth it?
Caption: Apologise to your 5-year-old self for not trying harder to become Batman. Now.
original publish date: 29th January, 2010
It’d be a fun game if the stakes weren’t so high.
Not sure why I spent the time adding the embellishments to the chairs, though. Who has that kind of time?
FTE #1: Ok, I’d like to book a meeting for … Tuesday at 3pm.
FTE #2: Damn, you sunk my coffee break.
Caption: Battleship: Online Diary Edition
original publish date: 28th January, 2010
Replace Twitter and Facebook with Slack, LinkedIn and AI, and my argument holds.
And ,Web 2.0? Makes me feel nostalgic.
FTE #1: I’m starting Twitter Tuesday, where we’ll only communicate in sub-140 characters for calls, emails, meetings, presentations, everything.
FTE #2: #8745 is starting Facebook Friday where everything is over-shared and in the third person.
Caption: What initially happens when Comms team discovers social media.
original publish date: 27th January, 2010
It was never a culture-vs-pay argument. It was a complaint about pretending they’re interchangeable.
Who genuinely believes it’s one or the other?
Presenter: Research shows that people rate how they’re treated at work above financial reward.
Audience member: What are you doing to them?
Insert:
Annual Siberian Railworkers Survery 1904
Question 3:
Which of the following is more important to you?
(a) maintaining the current practice of not administering daily beatings; or
(b) an annual wage increase of one turnip per person per year.
original publish date: 26th January, 2010
The vibe is still the same, the tech, not so much.
No words. Just a beautiful, beautiful meeting room.
original publish date: 25th January, 2010
Wrong. SF1 is a skim flat white with one sugar. Or KF1 (when they use S for soy). Apologies for the lack of due diligence at the time, and the Dan Brown ripoff.
If I had a barista card, they’d revoke it.
barista: There’s your skim flat white with one sugar.
FTE #1: Yes, I see! It all makes sense now.
Caption: Unlocking the Ba Rista Code.
original publish date: 24th January, 2010
I definitely got the future screen aspect ratios wrong.
Let’s ignore the rest of it.
FTE #1: It’s not what you think. I really need this size screen because I do a lot of presentations and detailed spreadsheet work.
Caption: Sure, little man. We believe you.
original publish date: 23rd January, 2010
Adults triage. Petulant children play the “he was here first” card.
I’ve worked with both.
FTE #1: Why haven’t you done this? The email I sent clearly calls out the urgency.
FTE #2: I’m still working on earlier requests from a Nigerian prince and two Viagra suppliers.
FTE #1: I doubt they’re paying you as much as I am.
Caption: “First come, first served”. Unfortunately, setting priorities is a bit more complicated.
original publish date: 22nd January, 2010
One of the first comics that didn’t travel well.
In Australia, leave entitlements accumulate by law (sorry, US friends), and every now and then, there are sporadic ‘initiatives’ to reduce bloated departmental leave balances. Bad decisions relating to single-point-of-failure roles ensue.
So, other than being professionally and culturally insensitive, I like this one.
FTE #1: I heard our only pilot survived the crash.
FTE #2: Wow, how did he manage that?
FTE #1: He was holidaying in Vauatu at the time.
Caption: Accrued leave reduction initiatives. Sometimes success is its own failure.
original publish date: 21st January, 2010
In the Olde days, clouds in architecture diagrams used to mean groups of things too complicated to show on a high-level diagram.
Of course, nowadays, the cloud is a thing in its own right.
I haven’t had to see one of these in a while. I wonder what they’re using now for amorphous representations?
If I was still on speaking terms with any architects I’d ask them, but alas …
Caption: The Inclemency Principle: the quality of an IT architecture diagram is proportional to the level of cloud cover.
original publish date: January 20th, 2010
Younger me aimed this at employees. Older me has now met enough managers to know the parental confusion runs both ways.
Boundaries, people. Boundaries.
Presentation: Your Boss. Your Mother.
Presenter: Ok, class. Can everyone see the difference?
Audience member: I don’t understand.
Caption: Training for the emotionally needy.
original publish date: 19th January, 2010
Given that in this new hybrid world, we provide the whole office a few days a week, an occasional raid of the stationery cupboard feels a little more justified.
Hypothetically, of course. You know, for other people.
FTE #1: I’m off to work now.
Partner: Don’t forget my paperclips, dear.
Child: And my pens.
Caption: It’s amazing how many employees use the same stationery at home as they do at work.
original publish date: 18th January, 2010
Ha. #TBD on the shirt of the candidate. I still find myself selectively amusing.
And there’s no good answer to that question, other than one that doesn’t call out the interviewer for their lack of imagination.
Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Candidate: (a) In a chair like yours, looking at someone like me, asking inane questions.
(b) in the mirror, unless they invent something better
(c) broadway
(d) I don’t recognise the Gregorian calendar. I find your question biased and insensitive.
(e) completely at your beck and call, slaving away as I dedicate my life to fulfilling your personal career goals.
Caption: If you want the interview to go well, lean towards option (e).
original publish date: 17th January, 2010
I remember (nearly) everyone missed what I was trying to say with this one.
It WAS NOT that I thought, then or now, that employee well-being should be explicitly reflected in the financial statements.
I was trying to say that, as an employee, you need to understand that these documents represent the executive’s ‘scorecard’, and anything you want needs to be framed in a way that will likely make them look better (or at least, not worse).
The problem isn’t that those in charge of your well-being can’t read feelings; it’s that they’re graded on finances.
FTE #1 (looking at financial statements): Nothing here seems to convey anything to shareholders about whether my needs as an employee are being met.
Caption: There’s a lesson in that for all of us.
original publish date: 16th January, 2010
Steering teams are largely aspirationally named.
True then as it is now.
FTE #1: I thought the steering team would get that we were under pressure when I asked that they extend the analogy and rename my project team to the Shock Absorption Team.
FTE #2: I hear they rejected the request because there wasn’t a business case to cover the cost of changing the project documentation.
Caption: Subtlety is the enemy of clarity.
original publish date: 15th January, 2010
The first of a few comics venting my grievances with the state of the technology at the time.
A hung (i.e. frozen/not taking calls) phone was not a rare occurrence, and now that I think about it, a handy excuse for intentional avoidance. Missed opportunity.
FTE #1: Why didn’t you answer your phone? I’ve been calling you for an hour!
FTE #2: Really? Stupid phone must have hung again.
Caption: Are we making progress? Go back 10 years and try to recall having to reboot your phone.
original publish date: 14th January, 2010
It’d be a hard study to be entirely objective on, right?
Also, I enlarged the screen to see what was written on it (a memory lost to time), and it looks like code, maybe? Not very good code. Likely mine.
FTE #1: The boss wants me to determine whether it’s worth his while to be nice to us.
FTE #2: I can’t imagine that will take long.
Caption: Remember, somebody’s employee made the link between engagement and productivity.
original publish date: 13th January, 2010
I’m a lot less conspiratorial these days, but you wouldn’t have to go too far to convince me that some of this shit is intentional.
Conspirator #1: I now declare this meeting of the Order of Bureaucracy, Inefficiency and Arbitrary Decision Making open. First point of business: Adding complexity to the purchasing process.
Caption: Something we’ve suspected for a while now.
original publish date: 12th January, 2010
We didn’t know how good we had it.
In a post-Covid, hybrid, hotdesking world, how many of us would score above zero?
Note to self: Need to do a contemporary version of this.
Open Plan Office Heirarchy Test
Sit in the corner? +2
or at least near a window? +1
Have a visitor’s chair or table? +1
Personal furniture? (e.g. couch) +1
Get people traffic? (thoroughfare) -1
Screen visible /from public walkway? -2
Do you share? (shifts or hotdesking) -3
Are you in close proximity to:
printers/copiers/faxes -1
Kitchen/lunchroom/vending machines -2
toilets -3
Is your desk?
L Shaped +1
Rectangular 0
Your lap -3
Is your chair:
better than most +2
same as most 0
worse than most -1
what chair? -3
Your score
Caption: All desks are not created equal.
original publish date: 11th January, 2010
Ok, ok. Not ALL project managers.
But so very, very, many.
Future PM: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Caption: Another Project Manager is born.
original publish date: 10th January, 2010
In my defence, it was a decade before Covid.
How was I meant to know we’d (selectively) end up winning the work-from-home battle, yet still lose the work/life balance war?
And look at that retro webcam! And screen aspect ratio!
And … telecommuting? How retro.
FTE #1 (Dad): Happy birthday, dear Tommy … Happy birthday to you …
FTE #0.1 (Kid): Thanks, Dad.
Caption: One day, they’ll figure out that telecommuting can go both ways.
original publish date: January 9th, 2010
Ahh, the old credit asymmetry thing.
I’ll never forget the time we (finally) stabilised one of the core systems and Sales missed their KPIs. Turns out they were over-claiming the impact of the outages on their results.
Sometimes, you just can’t win.
Oh, and your lost files were an accident. Promise.
Always say …
We fell $2 million short of target this year due to unstable IT systems
Never say …
IT should take some of the credit for our performance this year
Caption: Why they delete your files on purpose.
original publish date: 8th January, 2010
Happens a lot less nowadays. They’re usually smart enough to only offer value-adds that can’t be removed, or they’re framed as free (i.e. no discount if removed).
But, every now and then, you can still catch a stray one.
Always a good day.
Also, $800K? Shows the size of the deals I was working on at the time. Simpler times.
Rep: I know you think $800K is expensive, but remember that includes $300K of value-added services, absolutely free.
FTE #1: How about you keep your value-added services and I’ll keep my $300K, deal?
Rep: This conversation sure didn’t go the way the book said it would.
Caption: He should have seen that coming.
original publish date: 7th January, 2010
That’s a triple negative, and wrong, dammit.
Looks like I was aiming for a “you don’t have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than your buddy” thing.
The ‘most’ unfit, you idiot.
FTE #1: Thanks for your support. Not everyone recognises the value of our department.
FTE #2: In these uncertain economic times, just by being there, you guys make me feel safer.
Caption: In the corporate jungle, not being the least [sic] unfit will generally do.
original publish date: 6th January, 2010
The older I get, the more I think ol’ Spiky might just be the best of us.
Rebels #1, #2 and #3 (mail desk): They’ll never make us conform like those corporate drones. We may work for the man, but we’re still individuals.
CEO (née Rebel #1) [ silent ]
CIO (née Rebel #3) [ silent ]
Rebel #2: I never sold out like the rest of them, man. I kept it real.
Caption: Oh, yes. You’re the winner here.
original publish date: 5th January, 2010
How much can one man stuff into one little comic box?
And, apparently, how much did one man not like 360-degree feedback?
Let’s just agree that maybe these aren’t always the most objective processes, and leave it at that.
| As the manager | It says … Give balanced feedback. | It means … Enough negativity to avoid pay rise requests. Enough positivity to avoid counselling work. |
| As the customer | It says … Describe how this individual affects your customer experience. | It means … Make this guy pay for every perceived slight this company has made against you. |
| As a peer | It says … Describe how this individual is to work with. | It means … Use the anonymity and improve your standing for promotions and bonuses through character assassination. |
| As staff | It says … Describe how this individual is to work for. | It means … Figure out a way to make all of your own shortcomings look like you’re being held back by this incompetent fool. |
| For yourself | It says … Give an objective view of what you’re like to work with. | It means … Lavish praise on yourself until you blush, rockstar. |
Caption: 360° feedback manual explained.
original publish date: 4th January, 2010
While tempered by age, I still have a degree of ambivalence towards most forecasting endeavours, but I do love the idea of bringing a crystal ball to the meeting as a not-so-subtle reminder that we’re (usually) not as scientific as we pretend to be.
Also, the first splash of colour in the comic. Woot.
FTE #1: I don’t think you’re taking this forecasting workshop seriously.
FTE #2: Your abstract framework and obfuscated algorithms suggest neither are you.
Caption: Forecasting. More an arcane ritual than we care to admit.
original publish date, 3rd January 2010
I’m sure this happens, but I don’t really remember it being a thing even back in 2010, and I don’t see anything like it now. Maybe I’ve just been lucky.
Feels like I was taking a cheap shot for laughs. Apologies all round.
FTE #1: I had to move your meeting with the boss to tomorrow.
FTE #2: Doesn’t he care that I’m on leave tomorrow?
FTE #1: Not as much as he cares about the short-notice golf invitation this afternoon.
Closing Caption: All diaries are not created equal.
original publish date: 2nd January, 2010
Can’t believe I publicly debunked Santa.
All those 5-year old OneFTE fans. Their Christmases ruined, forever.
Santa: 95% of toys delivered before sunrise, 98% accuracy on naughty/nice lists again this year, and 8% more toys survived the first day. Anyone take any learnings from this year?
Elf #1: Rudolph needs a succession plan.
Elf #2: Maybe we should extend our outsourcing to parents beyond the existing procurement and logistics?
original publish date: 1st January, 2010
I think tactless was an overly generous interpretation,
How about, don’t be a dick? Better.
FTE #1: Wow! This analysis is very impressive. I’d like to learn how to do this myself. Is there a course you could suggest?
FTE #2: Sure. It’s called high school.
Closing caption: Tact. Use it more.
original publish date: 31st December, 2009
Sadly, I now find myself, on occasion, closer to the guy on the right (PowerPoint master slide templates, I’m looking at you), but hopefully the robots will take over before I have to debase myself and ask for help.
FTE #1: Could you do it for me? Computers and I don’t really get along. Guess I can’t be good at everything right? ha ha
FTE #2: This won’t be funny 10 years from now when you’re starving to death trying to figure out how self-serve checkouts work.
Closing caption: Learn. Ignorance is not endearing.
original publish date: 30th December, 2009
It was a simpler time, friends.
Here I was, bagging some poor (hypothetical) guy who was trying to set some boundaries, with no consideration that the requester might actually be out of line.
Not that the ‘not my job’ thing is, or has ever been, a good play, but nowadays, I think I’m probably more in the ‘happy to help, but would you prefer I worked with [ The Actually Responsible One ] to progress this?’ camp nowadays.
Requestee: I’m sorry, but that request falls well outside my job description.
Requester: I’ll be sure to include it in your Replacement’s.
Closing caption: Remember that it’s only your job description for as long as it’s your job.
original publish date: 29th December, 2009
I remember the days when we used to print things, or have access to a printer, or know if there is a printer, or go to an office where a printer might live …
FTE #1: I printed the report like you asked, and I made it double-sided, four-to-a-page to save paper.
FTE #2: Thanks. I’m sure my great-grandchildren will thank you.
Closing caption: Saving the planet. One eye strain headache at a time.